(This is a revision of a previous poem. But I think it’s different enough that the two don’t even resemble each other anymore.)
So. Hello, everyone.
I … have another poem revision. It’s no better or worse than the original, in my opinion, but I did think it was worth sharing. Simply as an example of cutting out unnecessary words.
Original: (Posted About a Month Ago)
What Goes into Jars is Better Set on Fire
My plans are the ocean-vast hue
of an unobtainable future shoved
into a jar against its will. A jar
can’t hold the ocean but I screwed
the lid on tight, even though I could
smell the glass breaking with a hint of
I shoved the ocean in a jar of
preset values, ideas of what my future should
lead me to. On a leash, I follow, attached
to the jar as it rolls across the
pavement, bumping rocks and toes
as the ocean fights back.
(Why did I start the jar rolling?)
When I put the ocean, my future-vast
blue-gasoline smile into the class cage,
I stood on two continents, one foot
buried in the sand on each. I dipped the
glass into the waves, wild waves I
sought to control to save the future from a
storm that wouldn’t happen. Gasoline
waves poured into the jar, my hands in
a trap I set for myself, a bind of premade notions
that led to taming the fluidity of potential.
(To nail something down as certain is to kill it.
What Goes into Jars is Better Set on Fire)
The tide swept, wept, into the jar with a disastrous swallow.
Revision: (Done Today, after I had Long Enough to Forget About this Poem and Any Attachment to the Words within It)
Jars on Fire
ocean-vast hue of unobtainable future
(against its will).
A jar I
tight, even though I could
smell glass hint(s) of
(in the perfume.)
preset values, ideas of my future
On a leash:
bumping rocks and toes
buried in the sand
waves, I control
poured into jar(s):
a trap I set for myself
I hope you liked it! Thank you for reading!
Have a lovely rest of your day!